I know this will sound dramatic but I can’t help feeling as though the last nine days was my life. I came up for air and I took great big gulps and now I’m drowning back underneath the illusion of what I created as my self.
Within twenty-four hours of being launched back into the world, I have managed to drag my physical shell to work and back, flat as a tack on the inside; called to action all the troupes and all the semi-automatic weapons for full-blown attack on my officially-no-going-back-now ex-boyfriend of angry, bitter insults in a ‘selfish’, ‘heartless’, ‘asshole’ minor key; and worst of all…used this and a myriad of other minor reasons (including ‘better finish that writing piece so I don’t embarrass myself tomorrow’, and ‘oh look it’s dinner time…pass the hummous to demolish’) as excuses for why I didn’t (read: couldn’t) make it to practice on time.
It is hard to put into words the transformation of last week. But what is perhaps most challenging – and at the moment, the most saddening – is how quickly my mind takes over my true self. It was quite a revelation to hear the valuable qualities my fellow YTT buddies gave me as we closed the immersion week. As we sat in a circle and took it in turns to look each other in the eye to give and receive a couple of simple words, I barely recognised myself in them. Words like ‘full of life’, ‘great sense of humour’, ‘funny’, ‘old soul’, ‘impactful’.
Or perhaps the point is, it is now that I don’t recognise myself, that I feel I have lost a bit of that – or rather, the dormant me has gone back into the safety of its warm cave. Something isn’t resonating. My cylinders have stopped running on full. And so quickly, I’ve lost myself at sea.
So what am I practicing? It should be Ahimsa, and yet my daily morning meditations are fraught with battles of the monkey mind. It keeps me separate and isolated, when I know all any of us want as human beings – as spirits – is oneness, connection.
Right…I just left my lunch on the bus because my focus was on writing this post. With my beautiful scarf – a gift from my lovely aunt back home. Brilliant. I knew I would too. Now I’m kicking myself. Again… Ahimsa, who?
I am better than this. I’m bigger than all of it. And yet I am fast realising the immense power and strength of the mind. It wants to win. It is unrelenting. And perhaps the lesson here is that I need to be ok with the fact that it managed to get the better of me. Today.
But tomorrow is another day.
And until then I just need to refocus, ground my mind and let go and what was in order to move into the Now.
What am I practicing? What is the practice of my life?