A friend recently asked me what has changed since finishing my yoga teacher training. He was graciously catching a heavy load that I, in turn, was wrecklessly vomiting all over him. Good friends really are good like that, aren’t they? I was wading through a rough patch on all levels: physically, mentally, emotionally, and not sure how to pull myself out of that thick, muddy swamp. I wasn’t even sure what the mud was made up of or how I managed to come to be stuck in it in the first place. So even if I did manage to drag my dishevelled self out of it, the likely next step was going only going to land me in some wide, expansive unknown place, covered in shit and without a compass, a watch or another living soul in sight.
In keeping on with my list of ‘Things That I Know To Be True’ (which you may have read in a previous post here), I am often reminded of this one particular Thing:
I do lots of things well. What I don’t do is one thing with my whole being.
I’ve never had just one job for the simple fact that I hold back on really committing to something. And it’s clear that the only reason for this is fear. Fear of failure, fear of what others will think, fear of doing the wrong thing, fear of fear itself…
I could go on. But there’s no need. The point is I know when I feel alive and energised. It’s a physical reaction that is felt with my whole being, on every level. And when I don’t, I am swamped by fear and indecision.
I’ve had enough. It’s time to actively participate in my own life. As was so eloquently put to me recently, ‘I don’t want to get to the end of my life and have been a visitor in this world’.
So I am adding this to my list of ‘Things That I Know To Be True’:
I felt alive and energised during teacher training.
What has changed since then is my writing practice and my meditation practice. Consequently, but also additionally, I am not listening to my body or my true nature.
I am setting myself a series of projects. Starting with this one: project mind. Each week, I will be selecting an image or an idea to focus my daily meditation practice, inspired by an article that I read in the Huffington Post today, titled Everything Changed When I Started Meditating Every Day. Hopefully, when I find myself stuck in the mud again – as it is an inevitable part of the process – I can trust that in time the ‘stuff’ and the ‘way out’ will reveal itself and I will walk forward into something or somewhere new.
So here goes week one…
We are planets with atmospheres.
Thoughts and feelings pass through, sometimes at great speed.
Other times they travel slowly, or with greater or lesser density.Image Source