Overheard on the Underground

‘She was wearin’ vese proper, like na’y freads like an’–’

‘Like wha’?’

‘Like vose nice like all-in-one fings, righ’? An’–’

‘Wha’, like a jumpsuit fing?’

‘Yeah, like one of vem fings, but proper like, you know wha’ I’m sayin’? Yeah?’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah, like proper polish lookin’. Like someone took a rag an’ hawked a bogey, gave it a nice shine, you know wha’ I’m sayin’, like?’

‘Yeah and so wha’? She jus’ bite your ’ead off or somefin’?’

‘Yeah! Like, yeah! Like…’

‘Well, like wha’ she say, like?’

‘Well she jus’ goes, Vat’s mine!, but posh like. An’ I’s jus’ finkin’…FUCK…! You know wha’ I’m sayin’?’

‘Yeah…fuck…! But…was tha’ it?’

‘Yeah! Well nah, but I was outta vere, you know? Like, she’s screaming ‘er head off like a bloody banshee an’–’

‘Like a wha’?’

‘A bloody banshee an’–’

‘What’s a banshee?’

‘It’s… it’s like a…it’s a lady…but a bug lady. A bad one.’

‘A bad lady bug? You for real?’

‘Yeah it’s yeah, like… evil like.’

‘Evil lady bug?’

‘Yeah…’

‘Never ’eard ov it.’

‘Somefin’ like tha’ anyway…’

‘I fink you made it up.’

‘Nah! I dunno, I forget. But it’s somefin’… Anyway, listen! I ran all the way down Oxford Street, down t’station, jumped ’em barriers an’ the rest is ’istory.’

‘D’you reckon she’s just like still standin’ there, shocked like?’

‘Yeah! I reckon she’s prob’ly given birf to a host of banshee bloody babies by now!’

‘So where is it?’

‘Wha’?’

‘Wha’ you took.’

‘Oh! Right. Right ‘ere…’

‘You stole ‘er shoppin’?’

‘Nah, vat’s just the bag it come in. Look inside ‘ere.’

‘Nurofen?’

‘Yeah!’

‘Wha’? You go’an ’eadache or somefin’? You due on your rags?’

‘I might do. Or…someone else. I’m gonna sell ’em off.’

‘Wha’, you fink you’re a drug dealer now?’

‘Yeah! I could be proper gangster, like. Work the streets. Make some dough.’

‘You fink you’re gonna turn a dime off of providing ibuprofen to evil, premenstrual lady bugs wiv an ’eadache?’

‘Yeah…some ov’em got codeine as well…’

‘Not vese ones.’

‘Well anyway, obviously I’ll branch out at some point. But we all go’a start somewhere, don’t we, eh?’

‘If you say so.’

 

Polish  // Natty ~ The Daily Post ~ Daily Prompt

Frank’s Cave Secrets

‘Why are you standing over there?’ He called back to me.

‘Are you serious?’ My feet were glued to the undergrowth, my clammy hands were stuck to my sides. ‘There’s no way I’m going in there.’

‘Come on. Don’t be a pussy!’ He hissed back.

When I didn’t move, he threw up his arms and turned on his heel. He muttered something to the sound of Such a girl as I watched him disappear into the dark cave. The dense array of trees towered all around me, their branches looming down like arms ready to snatch me up. The silence in the air was broken only by a soft rustling breeze as it made it’s way through their top-most spindly fingers. The bright moon had managed to illuminate the clearing just enough to give the shadows a blueish hue.

‘Frank?’ I called, ‘Frank, I don’t like this. I think we should go home now!’

I waited. I waited a second too long. When he didn’t answer, my heart started racing. Those finger branches picked up the breeze and threw it down towards the forest floor, kicking up little explosions of leaves and twigs. Again and again, these wind bombs hit the forest floor. They gained momentum and strength until great fountains of undergrowth cascaded all around me. A great whooshing sound rose and fell with each gust.

‘Frank!?’ I called out again, louder this time, more urgent. ‘FRANK?!’

‘Sissy!’ His voice was distant but I was sure I had heard it.

‘Frank? Are you ok?’ I called back.

Sissy… came the voice again. My heart jumped. Am I imagining things? Is that really Frank or just the wind? The noise was almost deafening now, but I took a big breath, shut my eyes tight and threw my voice out above it, ‘FRAAAAAANK! WHERE ARE YOU?!’

I wish I’d never opened my eyes because just at that moment, a thundering hum bellowed out from the depth of the cave.

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