my inbox killed my darlings

She hurtles after him. A single neon street lamp barely reveals the aftermath of a road attacked by storm clouds.Wind bellowing through her hair. Full flight beneath her feet. Anticipation burning in her chest. Stealth glowing behind her cat eyes.

My eyes flutter open.

She is gaining on him.

Roll over.

His hair slicked with sweat.

iPhone reads 4:56am. Unplug it.

His heart roars.

Roll over beneath the covers.

He’s losing ground.

Swipe screen.

And still, he runs. Crying out to his thighs, his biceps, his blood to CUT JUMP MOVE NOW! But –

Flashing number seven, hovering over my mailbox icon.

But he –

Nibbling rodents of unusual sizes: Qantas Travel and AirBnB spam-mites.

Dear Erin, Have you renewed your subscription to…DELETE; Dear Erin, Unfortunately, Michael has revoked his application but the good news is that mould would like to continue squatting…NEXT; Hi Erin! This incredible raw food offer expires…NOW.

Dear Alison, Do you think Mr Mould would consider signing a five to ten year lease? Fuck knows he’s in arrears as it is. Might as well grow some balls while he’s at it. Actually stake his claim to that shoebox of steaming green gunge that we call ‘My Asset of Intelligent Potential Wealth’ and see if we can take him for everything he’s got.

BACKSPACE BACKSPACE BACKSPACE SELECT ALL DELETE

Ooh…hang on…

It’s that petulant child, LinkdIn. (LinkDin? LINKDin?)

Do you know this guy?

I dunno – do I?

He thinks he knows you.

Aren’t you supposed to tell me this stuff?

He’s been looking at your profile.

Ok. Interesting. Young?

Your age.

Handsome?

Naturally.

Industry?

Film.

Come on… ‘Freelance’?! Does that really count?

He knows you’ve looked at his profile now.

Shit. Fuck you, linkdin.

Wait –

Does that make me more or less interesting? My profile has nothing on it. Why are all these strangers asking to ‘connect’ with me and my nothingness?

I should update my profile.

Make it worth their while.

Hey. When did she become a ‘Copywriter’?

I should apply for that job.

Make my life worth my while.

I can’t really be bothered though.

Oh dear God…

Oh…holy fuck.

FUCK YOU LINKDIN

How the fuck do I spell that anyway?! (I should check before I post this…should I post this?)

SHUT UP! Look!

Oh no…no no no no no…NO

Cat Girl and Lion Heart Boy lie splattered across the highway of my mind.

What have I done?!

A horrific homicide of dreams haemorrhaging into the dark, intangible interweb.

But I only took my eyes off them for a moment!

That’s all it takes.

Help! Somebody?! Anybody?! Please!! Help me!

An ambulance wails a distant cry.

It pierces my heart.

Yes! Yes! Oh, thank you! Thank you! Thank you! Come! Quickly!

It’s coming closer…

Hurry!!

But it’s too late.

No!

I know it.

No! No! No…oh, no…

I stand over them for that short instant, watching the light drain out from behind their eyes. Almost as fast as they came into being, they are gone again.

Man…

Life is so short. So unfair.

My poor darlings…

A heavy breath falls out of my nostrils.

Well…

iPhone reads 4:58am.

I’m up now.

Plug it in.

I should make the most of it.

Roll over.

Maybe go for a run.

Eyes flitter and close.

But sleep never comes.

cut. reset for the wide

And if there is a trapdoor will it lead me into the deep, winding corridors of an underground fairground?
Where aluminium horses dance in circles, and mouths agape on clown faces that gulp at the sweet scent of soft pink fairy floss. And tall, tall men walk in wide, wide shoes and short, fat women rise high above on skyscraper stilts and smile down upon us with a secret in their soul and a stench in their chests. Where the taste of cheap bourbon floats on our taste buds as we swim through lion-hearts and snickering monkey minds, hand in hand under a sea of stars. A dangling killer python swinging recklessly beside me, haunting me with its’ neon sugar striped rage. Your heart, a thunderous city of blood and sweat and tears crashing against the distant sound of waves. But our own secret lies with that snake and heart and sea as they lie in wait, poised to lasso any freak or fool who dares to take us down. And so we fearlessly take our seat atop the penny-farthing wheel of life and cycle through the dawn of ages.

Is that where we will be?

Or if it’s not in a fairground, can it be a long walk down to that rocky shore, beneath the rollicking waves and into our seabed upon the ocean floor?
Where we can leave this airborne world behind for our deep sea farming destinies, growing great muscles of courage that form calluses and mould into hard shells upon the rock face of our love.
And when the fishermen come to carve our love away and feast upon their hard earned cash, we’ll flex and bend with indulgent supply, and watch as their souls start to burn with that beautiful aphrodisiac of delight.

Or are you on that speeding train holding out your hand as I slowly lose ground, my legs burning, my chest heaving my bones, my skin, my heart forwards,
Until you charmingly adorn the drivers cap and make proud racket with bursts of steam and hooting laughter so loud that it calls all the world to a halt?

Or is that you in disguise upon that small throne in the corner of the dark, wooden coffee shop, nose sniffing the pages of a novel, neck deep in the mist of another world entirely? If I dive into that paper bound locket and poke my head out from the other side will your eyes see for the first time that treasure chest of adventures that you went searching for? Will we still act surprised when the trees between those pages melt back into the earth, flesh falls away from bones and the sun stands still just long enough to dissolve that mirror between us into a pane of glass, so that we can finally stand face to face with the truth?

I would search the ends of the earth for you and leave no stone or wave or fish or wheel or star or page unturned.

But love…?

What if I just missed you for the rest of my days?

Where would I be then?

the unending search for home

My mother is there. Her hands are made of pure gold. They are warm on my face as she gently cradles my cheeks, softly stroking my face with her thumbs. She places her hand on my heart and holds it in her warm ray of golden light. My heart throbs and swells as tears roll down my face. I fall into her body and sit inside it like a cocoon, wrapped up in her warmth and comfort and let her walk me through these beautiful fields as she hums a precious tune that’s only for my ears. Our secret melody. Our hands are bound together, our feet walk as one, our minds are ecstatic, pulsing with electricity. There is only us, and we only need each other. My eyelids droop and slowly shut, locking the warmth inside. I feel her stroke my hair and kiss my eyelids and when I reopen them again, she is gone.

***

Bhole Prabhu wrote in his article The Meaning and Purpose of Yoga:

The most important teaching of yoga has to do with our nature as human beings. It states that our “true nature” goes far beyond the limits of the human mind and personality-that instead, our human potential is infinite and transcends our individual minds and our sense of self. The very word “yoga” makes reference to this. The root, “yuj” (meaning “unity” or “yoke”), indicates that the purpose of yoga is to unite ourselves with our highest nature. This re-integration is accomplished through the practices of the various yoga disciplines. Until this re-integration takes place, we identify ourselves with our limitations-the limitations of the body, mind, and senses. Thus we feel incomplete and limited, and are subject to feelings of sorrow, insecurity, fear, and separation, because we have separated ourselves from the experience of the whole.

Portrait of the sky

‘Erin, why can’t we see the stars in the daytime?’ Her little eyes looked up at me, willing an answer.
I peered back out my bedroom window, searching the blue sky. Other than a few clouds sprinkled about, it was a clear, bright morning.
‘Hmm…that is a great question, Kitti. I think it’s because the sun is so bright that we can’t see them. But they haven’t gone away, they’re still out there.’
She furrowed her brow for a moment, thinking this over.
‘I think it’s because stars are yellow and the sky is blue.’ She contested.
‘Well, that’s absolutely true too. It’s like the sun paints over them every morning with the sky.’
She smiled at that. ‘Yeah, you know, when you paint dark blue on yellow then it becomes light blue.’
Smart little cookie…
I smiled back at her and said, ‘But look, we can still see the moon. Isn’t that funny?’ I pointed to the half moon still high in the morning sky. Her big, blue eyes followed my finger outside.
‘Oh yeah! Why is the moon still there?’
Why indeed.
Why doesn’t the moon just move on, like she’s supposed to? Why does she just sit there, so vulnerable, slowly burning up? Her gaze fixed on one point, never flinching.
‘Maybe the moon likes painting too.’ Kitti said, finally.
I was stumped. ‘What do you mean?’
‘Well you need the white of the moon to make the blue in the sky.’
‘Ok…so is the moon the painter, or the sun?’ I asked, clearly in the presence of genius.
‘The sun is painting, and the moon likes to watch. But then the moon puts the stars on later.’
‘Do you think the moon likes watching?’
‘Yeah.’
‘It is a pretty picture the sun paints every morning, isn’t it?’
‘Yeah, but when the clouds come they have to go away.’
‘Oh, well where do they go?’
‘I don’t know.’ She said, sadly.
It was my turn to squish my face into an inquisition, searching for answers, shuffling around thoughts. At last, I said, ‘Maybe they run away together while no one can see them. Maybe they’re playing hide and seek with the world when the clouds cover for them. They work pretty hard at their jobs, don’t you think? To light up the world, keep everything alive, and well after they have put the world to bed, they continue to make sure everything stays in running order. Day in, day out. So every now and then, they just need a little rest. A quiet place to flop into. A world just for them. A place to call home.’
‘That’s like when I get home from school. I just want to play with Bunny in my room because I miss her so much when I’m gone.’
‘Yeah, you’re not allowed to take her to school, right?’
‘Yeah, that makes me sad.’
‘I know, sweetheart. Does Bunny get sad too?’
‘Sometimes…’
‘Have you ever thought that maybe Bunny thinks you’re just playing a game? Just like the sun and the moon playing hide and seek?’
‘Yeah.’ A grin spread over her little face. ‘I love hide and seek! You wanna play with me?’
How can I say no to that face? I sighed.
‘I sure do. You’ve got until the count of ten!’
As I closed my eyes, I could hear her scuttling away, squealing involuntarily.

And for a moment, there, behind my eyes, the sun and the moon sat gazing into one another. Captivated. In their own private universe.

The next moment, they were gone.

I began to count.

One (lyrics by U2)

The quiet beckons. It’s long, spindly finger outstretched towards us. Two warm souls sitting on a cold bench in the middle of the night. A blood moon watching over as we gaze back out at the world. Here we are one.

Is it getting better
Or do you feel the same
Will it make it easier on you now
You got someone to blame
You say…

Can you feel it?

One love
One life
When it’s one need
In the night

Sit here with me a little longer. It’s coming.

One love
We get to share it
Leaves you baby if you
Don’t care for it

There’s a rumble deep inside the earth. Deep inside my chest. The air is thick and pulsating.

Did I disappoint you
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth
You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without

The water stirs, starts to circle, to move. Something deep in my belly starts to swirl. The wind rises up, picking up a great wave of raging sea water. It hangs over us, lingering. Laughing and waiting. Rolling, tumbling in the sky all around us, threatening to crash down at any second. You take my hand. Our hearts pounding.

Well it’s…
Too late
Tonight
To drag the past out into the light
We’re one, but we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

You look at me and I can see it all in your eyes. The blood moon bathing in your light, the raging waters, a burning fire running with the wind. We are awake. We are alive. The electricity sparking. Vibrations, sensations collide.

One…

Ignition: I rocket up into the air and stop suddenly, dangling, just for a moment before crash landing on a mountain top. I pick myself up and find myself standing on the cliff edge. My feet planted on the ground but my chest pulling me over the edge. My body helplessly in love with gravity, I have no choice but to fall into you.

Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head

And I’m standing on your shore. The wave still rolling through the sky, the moon beaming down into my heart, the earth drawing me down, deeper. I can still hear it. The universe brimming with sound. It ripples all around me igniting my skin, buzzing through me and around me. It gets louder. And suddenly the wave in your eyes crashes down on me. I am drowning. I am gasping. Rolling, tumbling, tossing, turning. Lost somewhere inside you.

Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it’s all I got
We’re one
But we’re not the same
Well we
Hurt each other
Then we do it again
You say

But there ahead of me is a rope.

Love is a temple

I reach out and grasp on tight.

Love a higher law

As soon as I do, it splinters into a billion threads.

Love is a temple

It shoots up to the sky, down into the earth, out into every corner of your world.

Love the higher law

I stand at the centre,

You ask me to enter

the threads now locked into me,

But then you make me crawl

holding tight to every part of me.

And I can’t be holding on

The universe bristles with the hum of time standing still.

To what you got

And I can breathe again.

When all you got is hurt

One love
One blood
One life
You got to do what you should
One life
With each other
Sisters
Brothers
One life
But we’re not the same
We get to
Carry each other
Carry each other

For this moment we are one.

One…life

One